Wednesday, August 10, 2011

So many thoughts..... little room inside my head! 

That is how I am feeling lately.  I have so many things going on inside my head right now that I wish I could just hit the pause button.  Most of it revolves around what I am going to do about this whole losing the band issue.  A lot of the thoughts aren't even my own, they are everyone else's.  It's like I have this pollution of other opinions in my head that I can't seem to shake.  Not that other opinions are always a bad thing, it's just a lot right now.  Some of the thoughts are about school and wondering if I am even going to make it through this crazy semester.  Also wondering if I can even get a good enough grade on the test I have to take to apply for nursing school.  Ugh! 

First off, I still don't know what the answer is for the issue of losing my band.  Admittedly, I suppose I really shouldn't since it hasn't even been a whole month since it had to come out.  I just wish there was an easy answer.  I wish I could reassure myself and everyone else that I've got it handled and know what I am doing.  The truth is, I have no effing clue!  I'm not even back to 100% yet so I suppose I shouldn't worry about it, but I am.  I am gaining weight back and it's depressing.  I am hearing from everywhere, including my own mom, that I don't need the band.  That I can do this on my own.  I can absolutely see where everyone is coming from, especially mom, given what I have been through.  However, if I didn't need the band and really could do this on my own I wouldn't have gotten it in the first place.  Every other tool I have ever used has failed. Or, well, I have failed at using it.  This was the only tool that ever worked and worked well for me.  On the other hand, no one can guarantee what happened would never happen again.  I'm not sure I am ready for a more invasive procedure.  I wasn't when I got my band the first time.  I just don't know yet.  I feel like I don't belong anywhere right now.  I mean, I have had WLS, but I don't have my tool anymore, so I technically can't say I belong with the WLS group anymore.  Plus, having had WLS, my outlook on certain things is different, and people still don't understand why.  Especially now that I don't "have" to follow the rules.  So, I really don't belong with the non WLS groups either.  *sigh*  I am just sad, angry, and confused about this whole mess right now.

As far as school goes, I am going to trudge through, but I am worried.  I have been trying and trying to get prepared for applying for nursing school and something always comes up.  I have been trying to apply now for 3.5 years and it still hasn't happened.  I have to take a college mandated test and get a certain percent on the math portion in order to even be able to apply.  So far, that hasn't happened.  *Sigh*  This semester is going to be rough as well.  I am taking Anatomy & Physiology 1 & 2 at the SAME TIME!  Why yes, I am crazy!  Thank you for asking!  I have to if I want to apply for next years nursing program.  I need to re-take A&P 1 to get a better grade and I have to take A&P 2 because it has to be completed by the end of this semester.  Never mind the fact that this is my THIRD TIME taking these classes.  All schools have a 5 year window on their sciences!  Which, imo, is ridiculous! 

The one good note I do have right now is that I have started the C25K program over again and it is going well.  I finished Week 2 Day 2 this morning and it was good.  I think I am a little slower now than last time, but as I said above I am not completely myself either.  I can't wait until I feel better and can get through the day without being so exhausted I can barely keep my eyes open.  I am sure my Monkey and Mouse can't wait for mommy to get back to 100% either.