Monday, February 23, 2009

I have a confession....

Not really a confession I guess...just something that I want to get off of my chest. I figure that if I say it out loud, I might actually do something about it. It's also one of the things that I hate about myself......... The picture below explains it all. (I am the one on the right) My weight. It has gotten very much so out of control. As of right now, today, this very moment...well, enough time to walk from the bathroom to the computer anyway, I weigh...(I can't believe I am actually going to type this out loud!)......277.8 pounds GAH!!!!!!!!!! There! I said it! *hyperventilating* It's out there. No taking it back. Even if I hit the delete button right now it would still be there. Staring at me like some huge ass spider just ready to pounce on me without warning!

Anyway, yes....I am FAT! 100% and I know it. I have known it for quite some time. Trust me, it's not just because I had a baby. I was fat before that. In fact, after I Ember, I weighed 245. I was ecstatic about it. Imagine that, happy and overjoyed about weighing 245 pounds. *sigh*

This is me in high school. (That's the huz with me! hehe) I weighed all of 145 pounds. I thought I was fat then. Ugh! Gag me with a spoon. Society is a cruel thing to girls who are not the perfect size zero. Anyway, I know that I cannot EVER get back to this, but it would be nice to get under 200 pounds...or well at least in sight of it. I have tried SO many different things before with no success or very short lived success. Before I got pregnant I even considered having lap banding done. I was SO upset when I found out how very expensive it was and that we would never be able to afford it in a million years!
So, here I go again. I am going to try to start eating right again. I am going to start eating like I had to when I was pregnant. It was actually a very healthy option and it is now a great way to lose weight for me. I had gestational diabetes so I had to really watch my carb intake. It's just so much harder now that I am not preggo. It was easier then because I knew that what I put in my mouth directly effected Ember. I knew that if my sugar got too out of control that hers would plummet once I was born. I knew that I could potentially harm her if I didn't stay under control. Now, she's here and what I eat doesn't hurt her directly. Indirectly it could eventually yes, but now...not so much. I am going to start doing my DDR when I can and once the weather starts getting nicer, I am going to ride my new bike and skate. Then when I can get back into Derby, it's on. That will help a lot too. At least three workouts a week with them.
So, here is what I am going to do. I am going to try to post at least once a week, I can't guarantee the same day each week, about my weight loss or gain. Maybe that way I will stay on track. Any words of encouragement you have would be greatly appreciated. that I feel bad for actually putting down on paper how gross I am, I am going to go hide under the comforter.

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