Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Speak to me

Wow...it's been 2 months.  I feel like I have been gone so often that the tired old excuses as to why don't matter, so I wont give them.  Just know that I will try to keep up once again and more than likely I will fail.  It seems to be my motto in life.  "I will fail at something, just wait and see."

Anyway, I have been doing a lot of thinking on the wee hours of the morning when I either can't sleep or when Mouse has decided she needs to stay awake.  I have made more than a few decisions about the direction of my life.  Some very satisfying and some very needed thought I expect to fail at more than one of them because I always do. 

The thing that started my thinking was the show "So you think you can dance" actually.  I love to watch shows like this that showcase real talent in the dancers and choreographers.  There are very few and far between routines that actually speak to me in a way that others will never understand.  While I love to watch dance, I don't understand it like others do.  However when there is a piece that touches me, it's amazing.  It got me thinking about the things that really speak to me in a way that not a lot of other's can understand. 

I would say that music can speak to me because it used to.  It really did.  I used to play the Clarinet and the Bass Clarinet in band and I loved it.  Music would tell me about joy, heartache, imagination, and life.  It would tell a story that I loved to be a part of.  Now, not so much since I haven't picked up an instrument in at least 10 years.  Shame on me for letting that go, but it is what it is.

The things that speak to me now are not so different than they were way back when in some aspects.  I have always wanted to be involved in the emergency services in some way shape or form.  The interest hit me at about 13 and it has always been there in the back of my mind tugging at me.  When I was 14, I was granted a certificate for the first responders program in my area because I did better on the tests than most of the adults I took the test with.  You are supposed to be 18 to be a licensed first responder.  And that is how it has been ever since.  The only problem that happened when I hit college was that all the confidence I had in my abilities left.  I lack the confidence in myself to know whether the decision I am making is right or wrong.  That is something that just can't happen in emergency medicine. 

Anyway, the things that speak to me are being the first person to reach out to someone who has been in an accident.  Watching a new little life enter this world and take their first real breath speaks to me.  Feeling some one's heart valve close around your finger while you are helping to stop their bleeding speaks to me.  Watching children, especially my own, discover new and unexplored things speaks to me.  Watching the wonder and excitement cross over their face is just amazing.  Watching a liver baby turn from yellow to pink in a matter of days speaks to me.  Caring for someone who can't care for themselves speaks to me.  Especially when you truly WANT to care for that person. 

For these reasons above and so many more, I have decided that it is time to return to nursing school.  I have about a 1.5 year wait, but I am at least on the list.  It is time for me to stop doubting myself and the things that I know in my heart are right.  Even if it isn't the norm.  After caring for Monkey while she was in the hospital and making decisions on the fly as well as with the help of others, I know where I belong.  I belong in emergency medicine where my skill, compassion, and heart can speak to others.

Also for these reasons, I have decided that there are no more excuses for losing weight.  I have a wonderful friend who has agreed to help me figure some things out for myself and we are going to hit the ground running in a few weeks.  It's just something I have to do for myself, my career, and most of all my family. 

Along the way there are going to be bumps, falls, and complete derailments, but that's o.k.  It's something that I have to deal with.  Classes start next week for all my pre-Req's and I know that it is going to help me.  As I have gotten older and been taking classes before, it had always gotten easier for me because I knew I had to create a schedule so I could do well in class.  This time is no different.  I expect excellent work of myself from class and there is no reason I shouldn't expect it in other areas.  Anything less is not an option for me when it comes to my grades and that is how it is going to be in other areas as well.


  1. I would say good luck....but you don't need it! I know you can succeed. You've been through some of the toughest challenges a person can face and you have passed with flying colors. Use those same "life skills" and fight for it just like you did for Ember! I'm here if you need me, and I'm saying prayers for your success!

  2. Very exciting changes for you! I know you will do great and are a great example for your little girls. :)