30 Day Shred...day 1

I stayed up until 2:30a.m. this morning just thinking about how far I have let myself go. The whole thing started with trying to figure out what I could do to help myself start getting into better shape. I looked up on YouTube a bunch of videos for the 30 Day Shred and the P90 workout. What I found was TONS of before and after videos. It amazed me at how well some people had done and then it got me thinking about whether it really would work for me or not. It got me thinking about whether I could actually do it or not. It just got me thinking about what I wanted to do about myself. I mean, my 19 month old daughter lifts up my shirt, pokes my belly, and then laughs when it jiggles. It didn't bother me when I didn't admit it to anyone. In talking with the huz yesterday, it came up and I just wanted to cry. I didn't know it effected me that much. So, last night/this morning wasn't fun or pretty. It was me in full blown self loathing. A little less than a good night's sleep helped me come to a decision I am hoping will change my life.

So, I sent out a tweet and a status on facebook asking if anyone knew what would be better to do, the P90 system or the 30 Day Shred. Then, low and behold, my step mother in law said that she actually had the 30 day shred DVD. So, right then and there the decision was made. Why not try the one that I don't have to buy? I had watched several snippets of both systems on-line and still didn't know if I could really do it or not. The more I thought about it, the more I decided that this was it. This needed to be it. Around 2PM I made the huz go over and pick it up because I knew that if I didn't decide to start now, it wouldn't happen. So, today was officially day 1......

And today is the day that I realized that Jillian Michaels and her workout might kill me rather than make me thin. OMG!! I was jelly legged 1/3 of the way through the 20 minutes. I knew that I was out of shape, but good lord! I had to stop several times throughout the video, but I was determined to at least finish. Which, I did. One of the main problems I had was that my feet started cramping when I had my shoes on. Once I took them off, they gradually got better. I am not really sure why they do that, though I have a feeling that it is simply my weight. I also had an issue with the fact that when I jumped up and down my flab was very distracting. I'm a big girl and the belly is not a fun thing when jumping.

One of the other issues I had is that I kept moving to one side or the other when doing jumping jacks. If we had a large space for me to do this in, this wouldn't be a problem. However, I have almost no space. I kept running into the couch, worrying about hitting the ceiling fan with my hands, and running into the hubby who was sitting in the chair behind me. I was very nervous doing this in front of him, but the baby needed to be fed and I needed to start right then and there, so he got the full view. Once I was done with the workout, I was so shaky and jelly armed/legged that I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get Ember out of her crib after nap time. Luckily she woke up before the huz had to leave for his evening job.

I did take the day 1 pictures (which are NOT going to be posted yet - I'm working up to it, just give me time) and weighed myself. We are also getting ready to do my measurements. I am truly hoping that this is going help. I'm not sure whether it will or not since I am not sure how to change my diet completely. So, we will see. I will check in tomorrow to let you know how I feel. Probably VERY sore. I can already feel myself starting to tighten up.

As far as today goes, I lived. There's always tomorrow. :)

Others choose to be victors....

I logged onto Facebook today to see one of my friends post a game in their status. The idea was simple enough. Grab the book that was sitting nearest to you, no searching for your favorite book, just the one closest. Once you grab it, flip to page 56 and read down to the 5th sentence and post it in your status. Mine was "Others choose to be victors." It kind of intrigued me. How do you choose to be a victor? I mean really, how does someone choose victory over things? Is it just the simple process of making it through a situation that makes you victorious? Is it coming out on top? Or is it realizing that you have become wiser?

Someone much smarter than I am must have the answers to these questions. It's not really a secret that I have a hard time believing in myself. A lot of the time it really only has to do with my body image. It's also no secret that I am on the larger side of the female population and I am sure that this has a lot to do with that image. I never feel like I am as large as I am until I see a picture of myself, go shopping, or hear someone who is impossibly skinny talk about how fat they are. It kind of makes me think, "Wow...if they think they are fat, I must be grotesque." I have always felt this way. Even when I was thin. Man........was I ever thin and beautiful?! (Really not trying to brag, but compared to now that is what I see)

Even though I have a hard time believing in myself, I have always tried to do a better job of it. I never really got the hang of it. I know that most of the people that know me would say that I am very confident. And I try to be on the outside, but inwardly I'm not. Inwardly I constantly think about what people think of me or how they perceive me. It's such a vicious cycle. I have started to get over this VERY little by little. I have started to recognize things that I can and cannot change. I am also trying to learn how to look past these feelings. It is very hard for me, but I truly want to be in that "Others" group whoever they may be. I want to be a victor rather than a failure.

I have a few big decisions, that may or may not make it to the blog, to make over the next few days and I truly want to choose to be victorious. In doing so, I have been trying to take steps towards changing my body image. That includes trying to exercise. Whether it just be that extra trip up and down the hallway while I am at home with the girls or trying to get over to my parents house to use the Wii Fit. (Sorry Wii Fit trainer, I have been lax the past week. The girls and I have been sick! Please don't yell at me!) I have also started read motivational and inspirational material. This is something that I've never really done before. I never thought that it was for me. However, I think that it is helping me find more of the inner peace that I need to stay committed to certain things. Including housework and trying to lose weight. Which, ultimately will help me to improve my body image.

So, if you are part of this "Others" group, please let me know how you did it. I'd love to learn. I would like to say that I am going to choose to be a victor, but I don't know quite how. For now, I will just say that I am going to try my hardest.

Wordless Wednesday...When I look down...

......I see her.

Looking up at me. :)

She likes it when I wear her.

Normal revisited...

I was recently reading through a bunch of old posts that I had made on Ember's old CaringBridge site and came across one that I feel needs to be revisited. For those of you that don't know what CaringBridge is, click here to find out.

The post that I am talking about was titled Normal and it can be found here.

Since Autumn has been born, pleople have asked me if she is a normal baby or if she is having any problems like Ember had. People ask me all the time how Ember is doing now and if she is normal or if our life has returned to normal again.

So, again, I find myself asking....What is normal?

Normal for us is looking into those beautiful eyes and not seeing one ounce of yellow.

Normal is a round belly just because some babies actually have round bellies.

Normal is still checking her temperature constantly because she feels warm even though she doesn't have a fever.

Normal for Ember is going to Children's once a month for labs to make sure LuLu the liver is still happy.

Normal is not having to see the liver team for 6 months.

Normal is knowing that my baby isn't sick anymore, but she still has the potential to become very sick, very quickly.

Normal is 1 medication in the morning and two at night without a fight.

Normal is knowing that Ember is stronger than anyone I have ever met.

Normal is newborn jaundice with levels that were actually higher than Ember's ever were.

Normal is still love. Even more love than I thought I could ever feel.

Normal is still fear. Even more fear than I thought I could ever feel.

Normal is two happy, healthy babies to brighten the day.

Normal is calling the pediatrician and liver team a bazillion times in the course of two days because one of both of the girls is sick just to make sure that everyone is on the same page.

Even though Ember's scars are healed and covered up, I know they are still there.

Normal is still feeling my heart break for all liver babies, especially those that have been called away.

Normal is waiting for Autumn to turn 11 weeks. One more day than Ember was when she had her first surgery.

Normal is praying and hoping beyond all hope that my second baby will never, ever have to go through anything like what her sister has gone through. Yet, praying that she will find it in her heart to be just as sweet and compassionate.

Normal is wondering what milestones will come for Autumn before, at the same time, or after they came for Ember.

Normal is wondering if this baby will crawl before she walks because she won't have an enlarged liver or spleen to stop her.

Normal is the shock of how emotional I was in November when talking to people about Ember's transplant anniversary. Especially in front of a large group of Partylite consultants.

Normal is watching my two babies create a silent bond that even I, as their mommy, will never be able to understand.

Normal is still talking about poo.

Normal is most definitely waiting. Waiting for Autumn to grow into a little person. Waiting for Ember to discover something new and exciting. Waiting for my girls to become the best of friends...I think I am starting to like this whole waiting thing.

Normal is still being strong and determined, but now it is to guide them both through this life. Being strong and determined to help them turn into strong, beautiful, and compassionate people.

Normal is two beautiful smiles that brighten my day no matter how bad it is. Normal is absolutely not what I expected.

So, is Autumn a normal baby? Is Ember a normal baby now? No, my girls are extraordinary babies. Is our life normal again? It always has been normal. Again, it may not meet your definition of normal, but it meets ours.

Dear Fat Cat, I love you, I hate you....

Dear Binks,
You know that I love you. You know that I like to curl up in the chair with a cover and have you curl up with me. You are so warm and cuddly. However, there are times when I just can't help but hate you. Here are a few examples as to why we have this love/hate relationship...

Why must you try to sleep between your father and I when you know that you are just going to get kicked out of bed? You don't need covers. You don't even like covers so why steal them in the middle of the night?

The dogs are not new. They have been here for at least 6 years. So, why, bedtime (every night) do you always make one or both of them try to "get" you from the confines of their cage? It only forces you to run down the hall at break neck speed like you are running for your life. Did I mention that the dogs were in cages?

Need I remind you that you are 19 pounds? You could stand to use a few so please, please, please do not meow incessantly when the clock strikes 9:30p.m. on the dot. Trust me, you are not going to starve to death if you don't get food in your bowl until 9:35p.m.! Speaking of feeding time, what is up with the drinking of the water? Why, oh why can't you drink water from YOUR water bowl? It is new, fresh water. You watched me fill the bowl! Please refrain from meowing at me at 6A.M. because above mentioned dogs have not been let out yet just so you can drink from their water bowls. And especially please STOP licking the spout of the humidifier that just so happens to be right outside the bedroom door! Especially at 3a.m.!!! When the house is quiet it sounds like someone is trying to get in the kitchen window.

While there are many more items I could suggest, I thought we could start small and work or way up to bigger, better things.

Now, if you could please listen to these few demands suggestions, I would greatly appreciate it and love you even more than I did before.

Sincerely,
Your fairly annoyed, yet loving owner

Always Infinity, I love you!

****Warning: Discussion of Lady bits and that time of the month below. Avert your eyes if you are squeamish****

As of this past week I have officially starting having periods again. Can I just express again how much I HATE this part of being a woman? It just makes me wish I was preggo again. I LOVE not having a period! Not to mention that I actually don't mind being preggo, but that isn't something that is in the plans again, at least not for awhile. Anyway, I am back to the routine of feeling gross and having aching lady bits for 4-5 days every month or so. I say "or so" because since I have PCOS and had fertility problems when trying to get preggo with Ember, I don't know if I will commune with Mother Nature once a month or every three months again. So, we will wait and see.

Anyway, awhile back I discovered this great product made by Always. It is called the Always Infinity pad. Let me tell you, these things are amazing!!!! If you have a heavy period all of the time like I do, these are for you. I don't know what this infinicil stuff that these things are made out of is exactly, but it is worth it's weight in gold!!! I can't remember a time when I didn't have trouble wearing a pad or tampon. They would last an hour tops and I would have to change. It is just horrible for me. So, you can see why (on top of many, many other reasons) I hate this time of the month. Mother Nature truly is a cruel, mean woman! These pads are lifesavers. I no longer feel like I have to constantly run to the bathroom to check for leaks.

I do have to say that I actually turn them around to wear them though. I use the back as the front because that is where I tend to have most of my "flow". I don't know if it is because I am a plus sized girl or what, but for some reason the back never needs to be the widest. I can tell you that I use the overnights all day long just because my flow is that heavy. Since I have found these pads, I feel a little more normal during my time with Mother Nature. They are SUPER thin too. It really doesn't even feel like I am even wearing a pad most of the time. I can't express enough how great this is for me. I highly encourage anyone who needs that little bit of extra protection to try this product.

I was going to link to the free sample on the Always website for anyone who was interested, but due to such high demand they are not giving them out right now. However, you can still follow the link to the Always site and sign up for their newsletter. Just click on the Try it free button and you will be directed to the newsletter sign up. It gives you exclusive samples and coupons which is a great deal too. I am always in the market for coupons. Plus, it is not just for the Always products. It is for other items that Procter & Gamble makes as well. I know that I am always looking for deals and coupons on products so I thought I would share the love.

My love affair with Partylite

As most of you know, I started selling Partylite products in late June. I can't express enough how much I love, love, love their products. They are both functional and elegant. Their fragrances never cease to please. If I could, I would completely redecorate my entire house to incorporate just about every piece of Partylite I could. Right now, that's not an option, but I hope that it will be one day. The new catalog for Partylite delivers just as much promise as I hoped it would. The big plus is that there are a lot of purple and complimenting silver items. Purple is absolutely my most favorite color ever. I think that it is complimented very well with silver so I am excited about the new product. Not to mention the new Two Sister's Gourmet line! I am in love with their Snickerdoodle Sweet Cheese Ball Mix!

I do feel some sort of accomplishment that I have my own business. This is something that is mine and I will only get out of it what I put into it. I am very pleased that I can work when I want to rather than when I have to. It fits my schedule. Especially with staying home with the girls and with Matt working so much. It has been a great help to our family so far as well. I know that people are always waiting for the catch, but with Partylite there truly isn't one. It is free to start (major bonus for me since I was not working when I started selling) and they sell quality products. Through Partylite I have also met some wonderful and inspirational people. I know that it is helping me to be both a better person and better at my business.

I absolutely love to give back to people. Ask anyone who knows me and they will, hopefully, tell you that it's true too. The opportunity to sell Partylite is the single most rewarding thing that I can offer anyone. Especially someone who is struggling to make ends meet. I know that it may seem hard or scary or time consuming, but it's all worth it. Plus it's not hard or time consuming. It was a bit scary at first because I do get a bit self conscious standing up in front of people talking, but once you start getting your paychecks, it becomes fun! I mean, where else can you make $800 to $1,000 a month for working just about 12 to 18 hours?!!! Plus there are all kinds of incentives that I always try to take advantage of. I have received some great product for free!!!! I can't imagine working with a better group of people or a better company. Here's to a great, candle, and food filled 2010! If you need anything at all, I'm your girl!

I have posted a few pictures of some of my favorite items right now.






Weathered Zinc Lantern











Amethyst Hurricane

Hammered Silver 3-Wick Holder